I wanted to begin this blog with the first happy moments of being 50, retired and free. But NOPE! That's not where I am right now. I was. But then I was too busy being free and happy and yoga and horse and friends to realize that writing something like this is NECESSARY to my sanity. I will circle back to those first days of fifty. Right now though, you need to hear the wake up call! Have you ever had a favorite dog die? Or cat I suppose, if you're a cat-person? Dying gives loads of grief. Yes, it steeps you in sadness. Mostly dying creates confusion and disbelief in your once confident soul. Why were we created? ...if only to die before 100? To witness someone near and dear, in the process of aging and dying is catastrophic!
Two years ago, my mother died on August 1, 2021. OMG that was hard! I wasn't her Health Power ofAttorney, my older sister was. She was in an elder care facility, in the memory care section. Which my mom often asked "why am I in with the crazies?" I wheeled her outside to the golf putting green, played bingo, tried art classes and we went to the sing-alongs "Que Sera Sera...whatever will be, will be." Each day had something fun planned. I wasn't a fan of my sister's decision to have the nurses morphine my mom every hour, especially the day I had to leave for my job teaching school. My mom wasn't in pain, and being in AlcoholicsAnonymous for 30 years, she told me she "didn't like the feeling" morphine gave her. She died within 4 days of the increased dosage. She was 85, had afib in her heart and simply an extreme fatigue diagnosis. I had to let her go, watch her go. I had stayed with her for two months and loved loved loved her as much as possible. Losing your mother is a gut punch, and you lose your happy for a long long time.
Now I am in the midst of helping my mom's brother, Uncle Chip stay in his home and organizing his caregivers. He is 84. (Which still seems young to me? It's only 30 years away from my age.) Chip's prostate cancer is terminal now; the meds are no longer effective his oncologist tells me. He has dementia caused by the cancer spreading into his lymph nodes, bones and brain. Thank goodness he is so POSITIVE and happy about it all. If he was a grumpy old crank it would make caring for him very difficult, but my Uncle Chip is a gem! My whole life he has been there for me. In a quirky, helpful Uncle sort of way. My dad never got me- he was busy being a closet gay man (which is a whole 'nother post for sure). Uncle Chip always did his own thing. The funny black sheep of his family. He's clever, creative & artistic. He says he felt never was fully understood by his parents (my grandparents Honey & Grampy). Chip went to USC as an art major, was in a fraternity, played waterpolo and lived on campus. He had a blast! He worked on creating those ginormous colorful flower sets for Laugh-In comedy TV back in the 60's with Goldie Hawn, Lily Tomlin etc. He said that crew was "WILD!" Uncle Chip admits he tried everything... at least once.
So now, I'm watching my awesome Uncle Chip become forgetful, gullible and wobbly. It is another round of sad and depressing. But you might wonder how we got here? Let's add some drama to this gentle Uncle's aging story. A very slippery, conniving masseuse had my Uncle wrapped in a knot with his "Ooooo Chipito! You muscles are so hard and here's some homemade salsa I made because I love you so much!" This false-friend was over the top; half my uncle's age and weaseling his way into money money money. The guy had a gig at Massage Envy at the corner strip mall, and offered to do "back therapy" in Chip's home for $300 an hour! WTF?? I didn't make that much teaching 3rd grade all day with 2 master degrees! And he was up to massaging Chip 3x a week = $900 = $3600 a month, under the table cash! That remora was workin' it for real. And you know what? IF he made my Uncle Chip happy and it helped his back muscles and anxiety, then for sure keep doing whatever it is you're doing in there behind closed doors. But the leech had to go one step further and start throwing ME under the bus. Whispering to Chip "your niece doesn't help you like I do, cut her off or I quit!" Well, the more I read about dementia and paranoia, sweet Uncle Chip believed him. I was suddenly on the "shit-list" and he wouldn't answer my phone calls...because of this slimey, worm-tongue, greedy masseuse!! What did I do?
I drove out to Uncle Chip's house and I stayed with him for a month to assess the situation. He asked me, "Why are you here?" I simply replied, "I am here because I love you, and need to help you." Now you're wondering why I stayed so long? It became immediately clear that this 84 year old, generous man was handing out his credit card left & right. Rapid Plumbing charged him $13,000 for a clogged bathroom sink! Ripped into drywall and proceeded to spray pipe liner gunk to stop a leak. WTF? He has a CLOG, not a LEAK! Then on Easter weekend, General A/C & Heating shows up to replace his whole system in the attic for $36,000! Not $3,600, yes tack on another zero and bump that number up up up! Chip just had it all serviced for $2000 just 6 months ago, but he didn't remember. He did NOT need all new A/C units because "they were old" on a 15 year new home? OMG, this is nuts... but wait there's more! His bank debit card was stolen off his desk in his office and used at AutoZone 90miles away for $402. Thankfully I got a fraud alert on my phone and stopped that thief in his tracks. I also canceled his credit cards, since so many people had his numbers and were freeloading on it. Oh yes get this one: 6 months ago my uncle couldn't remember his email password or logins so he called a company named Micro Store for tech help and they quickly subscribed him to $510/month unlimited elite technical help! Not $5 or 50 month, but five hundred and ten dollars a month, every month. Do you think there's a little confusion and dementia happening now? Yes, my Uncle Chip will happily tell everyone "Oh I am sorry, I am just so confused nowadays." Thus the predators start circling and nibbling. We changed his phone number last week because it literally rings nonstop spam callers. Note to self: do not move out to Palm Springs to retire! It is full of predators circling around the elderly looking for an easy payday! And sadly I see that old people are craving attention and like a little drama in their day to fret over. The plumber is coming, the dog needs his teeth cleaned, the refrigerator broke, my doctor appointment is soon... when they stop socializing, they create issues and just get taken advantage. It is tragic to see it clearly.
So you wonder why I didn't just put Uncle Chip in an elder-care home for safekeeping? Because...I promised to help him stay in his own lovely home as long as possible. I felt bad about my mom not getting to be in her own home for her final days. It was her only wish, but I wasn't in charge (her husband and my older sister were). So this time I would help Uncle Chip live better, longer, in his home. Should I hire a professional caregiver? I would if I could, but remember the Palm Springs predators are circling? An agency charges $35/hour, which seems reasonable. Until you multiply that by 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 30 days a month, 12 months a year and realize a live-in caregiver agency for your uncle is going to cost over $300k per year!! That's quite a bit more than his income and mine could pay.
Welcome to being 50! Can I run away and forget all this? I tried...I really did, lasted just four days. It doesn't work if you have a conscience and love your people. You have to breathe deeply and BE THERE for them. Sigh... I remind myself that I too won't always be only halfway to a hundred.
I will be all the way to a hundred someday, and how would I like to be cared for? My grandma Honey always said, "just push me off the end of the dock when I get old!" Ironically, she had a stroke, paralyzed her whole left side, had a feeding tube, and pace maker, etc. Poor Honey couldn't jump off the dock and die if she wanted to. She would give me a loving lopsided smile and raise up her fist every time I visited with her. Back then I was only 40 and Honey held on to 94. Pneumonia was the sneak in the end. I loved Grandma Honey. She was my Maid - Matron of Honor in my wedding back in 1990. I made her wear a cute strappy daisy sundress. Sigh... I remind myself that I too won't be always halfway to a hundred. I will BE 100 someday and die.
Sorry I wanted to begin this blog with the first happy moments of being 50 something, retired and free. But NOPE, not when the beginning IS a view of the end.
(pause for reflection, then scream, then breathe, then go play)
